Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
When angry count four; when very angry, swear.
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.
When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
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